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[defined throughout: grief, physiological effects of grief, non-death losses, secondary losses, disenfranchised grief, grief styles, prolonged grief disorder]
“When worship of death is rooted in fear it does not enable us to live fully or well…..If we become obsessed with the idea of death hiding and waiting for us in ambush, we are not making death more real but life less real….Death then operates in the midst of life, not at the end of life, but rather, as the fear of life. To live fully, we need to let go of the fear of dying. That can only be addressed by the love of living.” - bell hooks (1999)
Let’s start at the very beginning (I hear it’s a very good place to start). What is grief? When are we supposed to grieve? How long should grief last? We hear so often the old adage, “there is no wrong way to grieve,” and this is, of course, true but it begs the question how, then, do we know if we’re grieving enough? How do we know if our feelings are big enough or contained enough? How do other people seem to just know how to grieve, and why don’t I seem to have the same intuition?
The short answer is that everything you feel while grieving is the right thing to feel because it’s what you’re feeling. To which you may loudly groan, so, let me say more. There are many different grief styles (that I’ll expand on shortly) that illustrate the different ways that grief can manifest, and I even have a quiz for you to take to determine your own grief style. This should help you understand what grief looks like for you specifically, and how that may differ from the grief of those around you.
But first, what is grief?
Therese Rando describes grief as “the process of psychological, social, and somatic reactions to the perception of loss.” (Rando, 1984) Grief is a hugely multifaceted experience that is impossible to distill down to one trend. One way I like to describe grief is as love, diverted–love that must be redirected from a living person who can absorb and return it, to honoring and remembering that person. More plainly, Thomas Attig says that “grieving is about both experiencing and reacting to loss and actively responding to it. Grieving is about both suffering and resilience, experiencing the devastation and hurt and reaching through them to affirm life.[…]The heart of grieving is making a transition from loving in presence to loving in separation.” (Attig, 2004) bell hooks, in her book All About Love: New Visions tells us that, “In its deepest sense, grief is a burning of the heart, an intense heat that gives us solace and release.” (hooks, 1999)
This is one of my favorite descriptions of grief. A burning of the heart. But what if instead of that burning being a house fire, a conflagration that destroys the things you own and love, that wipes out your family photos and shoe boxes of love letters–what if that burning of the heart is like the controlled burns of forests? The fires that are vital to the life cycle of the land, that allow it to thrive and grow healthier? bell hooks also acknowledges that “it takes courage to befriend death.” It is terrifying to acknowledge that those we love will die. That we will die. That we must live a life without those who shaped us, or they will have to live a life without us. As Aleah Black (@gendersauce) put it, ‘even if there wasn’t human loss, the wind would still erode the rocks.’ (Black, 2024) Loss is simply an undeniable and unavoidable part of being alive. But if we approach grief with curiosity, with love, with respect–toward it, toward ourselves, toward others, toward loss in general–it opens up our experience of the world in a huge way, with rippling effects of opening those around us, too.
Feeling this way (curious, loving, respectful) toward grief can be, of course, challenging to do, especially in the immediate aftermath of a death or loss. A challenge that can be compounded by how someone or something was lost to us–if it was violent, unexpected, stolen, et cetera. In the immediate aftermath of a profound loss like the death of a loved one, our bodies experience somatic symptoms like that of an illness. "[The body] responds to the death (and to intense stress in general), by releasing certain hormones that fan out into the body, affecting the cardiovascular system and the cells of the immune system.” (Selinger, 2021)
You may experience brain fog, and heart palpitations, your fingernails may stop growing, you will grow fatigued and sluggish. Cortisol rushes into the body, and it responds as if it is fighting an infection. Black tells us that this means that we know, to a degree, what to do for newly bereaved people–treating them how you would treat someone if they were ill—bring them warm food, wrap them in blankets, keep them company, and let them know you see them and their suffering. They went on to say that if you are not used to listening to your body’s cues, specifically your sickness cues (i.e. if you are a teacher, in a position that requires being constantly on call, if you cannot afford days off and therefore subconsciously suppress your recognition of your need to rest) you may find yourself struggling to understand the grief cues your body is sending you. (Black, 2024)
After my mom died by suicide, I was experiencing such an increase in my tachycardia, that I found myself seeing multiple specialists and wearing a heart monitor–all to find out that I was essentially physically suffering from a broken heart (that, and I do actually have a preexisting heart condition that was being exacerbated). And it’s not an uncommon symptom to experience heart problems after a great loss. (Buckley et al, 2012)
Non-death Losses, Secondary Losses, Disenfranchised Grief
Because loss is in so much of life, it transcends death. This means that grief, too, transcends death and that you will grieve more than death in your life. Some non-death losses you may experience and may grieve are divorces, break-ups, eviction, homelessness, moving, losing a job, experiencing oppression like racism, sexism, queerphobia, sexual assault, abuse, natural disasters, and more. So if you’ve experienced any of these things, you’ve likely experienced grief, even if you haven’t yet experienced the death of a loved one.
When we experience any of these losses (including death), we experience secondary losses such as loss of safety, loss of security, income, support, relationships, autonomy, faith, identity, dreams, etc. Some people feel that experiencing grief from any of the above non-death losses is invalid, silly, wrong, or any other negative emotion, which disenfranchises them from their grief. But you are allowed to grieve these things.
Disenfranchised grief, which will get its own whole future post, is an idea that was coined by Kenneth Doka, who also identified the 4 grieving styles alongside Terry Martin in 2010 which I’ll talk about shortly. Disenfranchised grief is defined by Doka as “A type of loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.” (Doka, 1989)
Five types of disenfranchised grief are:
1) when a relationship is not recognized (co-worker, mistresses, ex-partners, queer lovers, etc.)
2) when grief or loss is not socially acknowledged (non-death losses, pet deaths, loss of unborn children or infants)
3) loss with stigma (suicide, drug-related deaths, MAID, etc)
4) when the griever is excluded because we incorrectly assume the person would not have the ability to understand grief (young children, people with dementia, developmentally disabled people)
5) when a person’s grief process doesn’t fit in with the ‘norms’ of society (different cultural expressions, different personal grief styles, etc.)
Finally, let’s talk about the four grief styles before you take the quiz to find out which type you may be. (Doka, Martin 2010)
Intuitive or heart griever
The 'intuitive griever', also known as the 'heart griever' generally expresses grief openly, and feels whatever emotion they're experiencing strongly, possibly overwhelmingly. ‘Small’ events may trigger big grief. This may include intense physical grief reactions, for example, emotional exhaustion may make it harder for them to complete daily tasks, keep up with their health, etc. Could lead to being withdrawn.
Those with an intuitive or heart grieving style may find things like journaling about/ making art about/ talking about their grief to support groups, therapists, or friends helpful in their grieving process. Monitoring/tracking emotions etc. can also be very helpful. Finally, creating a checklist for self care (eating, drinking, deep breathing) could be key for those whose emotional exhaustion has made these things challenging. Setting aside time to fully experience big emotions for (x amount of time) in order grieve without getting stuck in it may also be valuable.
Instrumental or head griever
The 'Instrumental' or 'head' griever often expresses grief in more active/cognitive ways, and may be more prone to intellectualizing grief. They may need to go back to working or volunteering etc .right away after a loss in order to cope, and perceives grief as a challenge or crisis to overcome rather than a threat. Grief becomes a project--making a fundraiser in honor of the person, building something, solving a problem related to your loss, or creating art about it are some ways this may manifest.
Those with an instrumental grief style may find emotional dosing (see above) helpful. The head griever is not comfortable with emotions, or perhaps not in tune with them. Setting a time to experience a dose of their feelings is important. Remembering your person by looking at photos, thinking back on memories, reminiscing, talking to a therapist if not a support group may be a valuable tool in your grief.
Dissonant or heart vs. head griever
The 'dissonant' or 'heart vs heart' griever may find that there is a disconnect between their outward expression of grief & how it’s experienced internally.
Social/cultural expectations may be a barrier to expressing the breadth of their grief, due to gender roles, racism, access to bereavement support etc. The dissonant griever may want to express grief, but aren’t able to access that grief.
Those with this grief style may find it helpful to try emotional dosing: Setting aside time to fully experience big emotions for (x amount of time) in order grieve without avoiding them (or getting stuck in them). To do this, finding or creating a safe space to reminisce/ go through photos, and really give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions come up honestly and naturally. This safe space may be at home, with friends, or a support group, or one on one therapy.
Blended or heart and head griever
Someone with a blended grief pattern, may experience characteristics of both head and heart grieving styles. The style they experience may shift over weeks or months, and they may experience the styles to different degrees in response to each loss they grieve. Any combination of the above coping strategies could be helpful/resonate with a blended griever.
I transcribed this grief style questionnaire based on Kenneth Doka's 'Grief Inventory' from 'Grief is a Journey' (2016) to find which of the 4 Grief Styles you have. This is the same quiz as provided in the book but with some language modified for clarity.
This is meant to be a more accessible version compared to the available PDF and the math you have to do for yourself at the end of it.
Quiz: What is your grief style?
Your grief journey may be impacted if you suffer from Prolonged Grief Disorder (also known as Complicated Grief), which interrupts your brain and body’s ability to integrate grief into your everyday life, instead leaving you in an activated grief state for more than a year (though this diagnosis does not account for the various cultural differences in grieving), while an average experience of grief allows the grief to become integrated into the griever’s life a few months after the loss took place.
In future blog posts, I will expand upon Prolonged Grief Disorder, Disenfranchised Grief, types of non-death losses, secondary losses, and ambiguous losses.
My next blog post will be about (Thwarted) Grief during Genocide, centering the experiences of those in Palestine while referencing past genocides to position it in history.
I plan to post alternating posts explaining aspects of grief, with links to valuable readings, and may include poems and grief prompts, and then to post an essay illustrating types of grief in the real world. So that would be this week’s post about what grief is, and next week's post about Grief and Genocide, for example.
Love,
Alekz
Note: I am not an expert, I am synthesizing information I have read & personal experiences, and am open to critique, comments, and questions.
Resources:
Attig, T. (2004). Disenfranchised Grief Revisited: Discounting Hope and Love. OMEGA - Journal of Death and Dying, 49(3), 197-215.
Black, A. (2024). (Unpublished Zoom Workshop, Feb. 23, 2024)
Buckley, T. et al. (2012) Effect of Early Bereavement on Heart Rate and Heart Rate Variability. The American Journal of Cardiology, Volume 110(9), 1378-1383.
Doka, K.J (2017). Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss. New York Atria Paperback.
Doka, K.J., Martin, T.L. (2010). Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, Revised Edition. Routledge.
hooks, b. (1999). All About Love: New Visions. William Morrow.
Rando, T.A. (1984). Grief, Dying, and Death: Clinical Interventions for Caregivers. Champaign, Ill: Research Press Co.
Selinger, I. (2021, April 22). What Happens in the Body During Grief. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/22/well/what-happens-in-the-body-during-grief.html