On suicide prevention

If I save someone’s life this week, and the next week I don’t, I didn’t fail.

Heavy TW for suicide.

Originally written 9-9-20

As it’s suicide prevention month and today is the 8 month anniversary of my mom’s own suicide, I wanted to make a post of what I know and have learned from living with and losing a mother to suicidal ideation and action. I’ve also lived much of my live with suicidal ideation, but I’m not going to focus on that here. This is largely a post speaking to people loving suicidal folks in their own lives. I apologize that this may not be what you want to hear, and it’s a little bleak and a little taboo, but it’s what I needed to hear so I need to pass it on to others. 

I’ve known I was going to lose my mother to herself for the last decade, and have fought this last decade against that. Constantly trying to protect my mom from herself and push back what felt like the inevitable just a bit longer, just a bit longer.  While this is a traumatic and exhausting way to live, I also feel that knowing my mom’s struggle for that long has been a privilege. It’s a privilege that I was able to prepare myself for this loss in this way. Because many people don’t get that preparation. But it also held me back - I was sometimes so preoccupied with the possibility of losing my mom that I wouldn’t appreciate that she was sat right beside me. It’s something I’ve ruminated on for years and written countless poems of, made so much art of but kept to myself because it’s not been my story to share. But now her death has inextricably tied her struggles to my life and I love to share my life with y’all.

One thing that my therapist told me that I feel like is imperative to pass along, even though it sounds harsh and scary, is that you can’t always stop someone from ending their life if they want to. And you may be saying Alekz come on that is NOT what we need to hear right now. But you need to. For your own mental health, you need to realize that as much as it feels like your suicidal loved ones’ lives rest on your shoulders, you cannot carry the weight of another person’s pain.

You can help them carry it, you can remind them they are loved, but if someone wants to go they will go. You can’t single handedly carry someone’s life. It’s too much for one person to bear - that’s why it takes a village.

I can’t let this month go by without saying it even though it seems the opposite of what this month is about. Because while prevention is necessary and important, you can’t always prevent loss of life. We cannot pretend that we can play God with the people in our lives. There is pain and trauma that we cannot heal, no matter how much we love our partners or parents or children or friends. But acknowledging that allows us to give the love we can while they’re still here, and most importantly, accept that loss may occur.

I had the privilege of knowing I would lose my mom. The privilege of coming to terms with that before it happened. The privilege of not having to digest my mom’s past, mental illnesses, ideation, and successful suicide all at once. And that is what, no matter how hard it is to hear, I want to pass on to anyone engaging with suicidal loved ones.

This isn’t to say don’t try to save them. Because you can save someone today. You can get someone to tomorrow. You can keep someone here till next year. You might be helping someone stay here for the next decade or a half a century.

We did everything in our power for my mom - and she lived 30 more years than she ever thought she would. If you’ve ever been suicidal you know what a massive feat that is. I am so proud of my mom, and the life she lived, and how much she fought to live it. She sang at Carnegie Hall as a soloist, and married the love of her life, and had three children who love her, and her platonic soul mate who’s become my second mother. And I’m so glad that I had a therapist who helped me work through much of these things before my mom ever left us. (Love u stace)

Stacey is a realist. When I tell her I’m struggling to make a suicidal friend stay here, she says “Okay, then make sure you say everything you want to before they’re gone. You can’t save everyone so just tell them what makes you want to try.”  I still constantly try to single handedly save the people in my life. I can’t help it. I can’t let people suffer and turn the other cheek. But I also know that if I save someone’s life this week, and the next week I don’t, that I didn’t fail. It’s taboo to admit that despite our best efforts, people in our lives will die by suicide. But if we don’t talk about how to cope with the realization, we suffer much more when we lose loved ones. Our loved ones suffer more when we’re fighting them instead of just offering our love and support while we can.

Please don’t mistake this message for “every suicidal person is a lost cause” because that is NOT true. The cases I’m speaking to are those of high level, chronic suicidality mainly. There are many, many, many lived experiences where folks NEED one person to save them today and then they’ll be able to hang on until they’re 93. And be that person if you can. AND, know that there just is no way to be that person for everyone every time. Tell the people in your life that you love them and tell them why. Text someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Check in with someone who’s struggling and check in with someone who seems perfectly fine. 

Edited to add:

Much of what contributes to suicidal ideation is beyond simple mental health, beyond something you can blow away like dust with a well placed word. We know that social inequity—racism, classism, imperialism, transphobia, queerphobia, ableism, zionism, colonialism, and capitalism are insidious and impact the lived experiences of people on a fundamental level. Being unhoused, in poverty, victims of violence, etc. make finding stable ground feel impossible sometimes. In these moments, mutual aid, community support, intentional access and building a world that can hold all vulnerable people in all of their various states is imperative. Mutual aid is suicide prevention. Social justice is suicide prevention. Housing is suicide prevention. Disability justice is suicide prevention. And the list goes on and on. Do what you are able in your corner of the world, with your loved ones and those your work can touch. You don’t have to do everything, you just need to some something.

Love,

Alekz

PS. I’ve moved recently from North Dakota to New York City for grad school, and it’s a huge change, and it’s taken a lot of my momentum with my essays here for you all. As I adjust, I’ll get back into post things, even just short things. Thanks for sticking around.